The Yes trap

When asked about the secret to the iPhone’s success, Steve Jobs summed it up as focus on a few great ideas which could only happen by “saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are”.  This gets me curious about when we say No.  

It starts with you 

Our habits are shaped by our history, by the rules (family, culture, community, school) we are taught about what is OK and what is not OK.  For some this means being more tuned to the needs of others than ourselves and so we are in an automatic habit of saying “yes”.  This shows up in the way we reply to emails on a day off, how we instinctively offer to do things for other people (even when it is inconvenient), leaving every meeting with actions. And then we wonder why we are exhausted, getting headaches, not sleeping or drinking too much.  

In her insightful TED talk Sarri Gilman, talks about the need to tune into our inner compass, to that gut feeling that knows something is “off”. She argues “Boundaries are made of Yes and No. Yes and No come from inside of you”.  

I come from a family who value “putting in a shift.” That “be strong” driver got shaped in me, and I can easily think I am superwoman with some sort of magic time machine.  I know I haven’t been listening to my inner compass when I see someone doing what I wish I had time to do (e.g. read a book in a cafe) and resenting them. But in truth, the person stopping me, is me. So I need to look at my own habits and beliefs

When we get busy and in our heads, or in overwhelm, we can’t hear our inner voice. This can be dangerous when, “in the corporate world, there is so much pressure to say yes” (David Whyte).  We need to breathe, pause (get out of 5th gear), feel, to be able to hear our body whispering to us about what we need. If you say yes all the time, you are buying a one-way ticket to burn out.  But knowing this doesn’t make it easy to say no.

The Yes trap

When talking to coaching clients about why they are exhausted, overwhelmed or why they can’t shift a physical pain (i.e. trapped nerve) we often discover they have a “Yes” trap.   When we get deeper we often find unexamined beliefs. 

For example, they are afraid of upsetting someone else or letting them down.  By saying Yes they are taking the easy way out, avoiding confronting this fear.  Underneath this, we may find that pleasing people is our learned habit about feeling valued or accepted.  If your worth is being tied to how much you do for others,  we need to build our enough-ness muscle (see my previous blog ).

For other clients, the trap is about feeling guilty about putting their needs first and viewing it as selfish. But in fact, by doing things for others, you are putting their needs before your own. If you don’t set and hold boundaries you are teaching the other person that they are more important than you. Because boundaries are the rules that tell other people how you wish to be treated.  So by vocalising what makes us feel respected, valued and healthy we are actually helping other people know that is what we want and need.  You simply can’t prioritise other peoples’ needs at all times and still meet your own.

So boundaries are heathy and you can get better at setting them!  By saying yes to everything you haven’t committed yourself to anything. “No” is an invitation to know what you care about and prioritising this.  Also, we need to know that not every “yes” leads to burnout, just like not every “no” is a win for your wellbeing.  

Walking with a client last week, we sat on a hill and used the horizon, the future, that was calling her to help us understand a situation she was facing. Was saying ‘no’ to a new project about setting boundaries, or was it about a fear of failure/looking like an idiot, that was leading her to want to say no. What if she could lean into that discomfort, into wanting to say no, but instead say yes to a future she wanted to create that felt quite scary, but could ultimately be incredibly satisfying and help her learn something?

So we need to tuning the horizon that we are building. I have recently agreed to write a book about co-founder conflict and I am terrified that it will be rubbish or that people will say, “what right does she have to write a book?”.  Sometimes saying yes is terrifying.  So we need to build our capacity to say “Yes” and “No” consciously.

Give and take 

If we go wider than ourselves, systems thrive on an equitable balance of give and take. So relationships (of all kinds) require balance and there are consequences when this is “off”.  

Within a system, there is a law of exchange, which is the dynamic balance of giving and receiving. Within us, we have an internal balancing sense (often unconscious) calibrating the level of giving and receiving in multiple areas of life and work. Inherently, when we receive something, we want to give something back; when we give, we expect to receive something in return.  I have written before about how this can show up in conflict.

Systems will seek to correct an imbalance of exchange.  If this dynamic feels “off” we can find ourselves acting differently  i.e. we might hold back from asking someone who over-gives.

Sometimes clients come to me and describe feeling unappreciated. When we start talking about their experience, I am reminded of the wisdom of Noomi Natan who described how an organisation (which is a system) develops an awareness of whether the balance of exchange is fair.  She argues that when people over-give and they compromise their health or personal relationships to get work done, the balance of exchange is off. Because no salary increase can make up for you missing family meals, there is nothing an organisation can give you if you sacrifice your health. So if you habitually over-give, you will automatically be unappreciated and you will eventually be kicked out of the business. The company doesn’t know how to repay you for your anxiety, strained relationships or cancer.  

This of course happens unconsciously, but the impact is very real.  You cannot give responsibility to your employer for your health or wellness.  So if this sounds familiar, you need to start reclaiming responsibility by practicing conscious boundaries.  

So what

As you read this blog, ask yourself:

• What do you notice about your habits about “Yes” and “No”?
• Where would you like to practice a “No”
• How could a “Yes” support the horizon / future you want to build for yourself ?