I am not enough

As the kids return to school, and a new term starts, are you breathing a sigh of relief? Or are you questioning whether you spent enough quality time with your family? 

As you know I am interested in the complex & messy business of being human.  Despite the outward signs that they are successful (senior job, nice holidays), many people are running a script which is sabotaging how they feel about themselves. This often blocks them from being able to feel the full throttle of positive feelings. It is us getting in our own way. 

When someone starts coaching, we naturally start looking underneath the surface: what is really going on. As clients tune into their inner landscape, a script can rise; quite often it is a script of “I am not enough”.  Allowing this small and powerful voice to rise to the surface can prompt tears, often followed by shame and vulnerability (am I the only one?).  If this resonates, know that you are not alone. In my coaching practice with clients, we often explore the experience of ‘not enough’.  

Start with awareness

By admitting this is going on, we are accessing deeper awareness and that is the starting point of helping unstick ourselves. Our scripts help us navigate life & stay safe when we are growing and learning, but in adulthood we can find they no longer serve us. The truth is, however, that we can’t just tell ourselves to “stop it”.

Where this script lurks, it keeps clients stuck. As a coach, I feel honoured that a client is trusting me with their truth.  I am not a trained therapist so I am not going to explore their childhood to find the root cause.  As a coach, we focus on the here and now: how can they rebuild being ‘enough‘ within themselves? Like a muscle, we need exercises to build it. 

In her podcast “Enoughness” Melanie Rickey invites us to reassure ourselves with the fact that we are good enough and find the sweet spot of contentment, without pushing ourselves to want or expect more.  She invites a conscious exploration of “not enough”, “too much” and “just right”.  

This inner work to build your “just right” muscle doesn’t rely solely on external validation (bigger car, next promotion); these things can involve chasing something that ultimately doesn’t make you happy.  Enoughness is not about reaching a destination; it’s about embracing the journey of self-discovery and personal development.

Building your enoughness muscle

For me, my “not enough” script plays out when I am writing (especially blogs like this!).  Having worked for a newspaper, I imagine a huge red pen of a journalist I know looming over my shoulder, shaking his head.  So these enoughness practices are ones I share with clients and do for myself.  If your “not enough” script isn’t helping you, here are some ways to start.

Our scripts are laid down in our bodies.  As such when we are in a script, somatic feelings stored within our muscles and nervous system give out clues and signs to us. I practice centring my body, whilst saying “I am enough” (often a whisper). Naturally my body reacts to this phrase (in my case, twitchy hands) so I take a deep breath and bring my body back to a settled state.  With practice, and over time, I am working up to saying this phrase more loudly.

Recognise where “not enough” or scarcity is being reinforced in your life and look to minimise the time you spend engaging with it.  Messages of scarcity can send my consultancy enoughness into overdrive (is there enough work!), and so I actively avoid places where it is being peddled.  For me this means looking at the people I spend time with, the professional networks I am involved in, what I am reading, or the social media platforms I interact with.  

When you don’t feel ‘enough’, you brush off praise, because it feels physically uncomfortable.  So I might centre my body and then repeat to myself positive feedback I have heard from a client or a friend about what I do or how I am.  Again, I notice any reaction in my body and bring myself back to centre.  

Along with reconnecting with positive feedback, I also make time for a daily gratitude practice. In the past two decades, a growing body of evidence has shown that gratitude has measurable benefits for just about every area of our lives. Gratitude and gratitude practices can help us tune into our “just right”.  

As an example of this, at the end of each day write down three things that have gone well for you.  These items can be small or large, but make sure you write down three.  As highlighted by the image below, the more you do this, the easier it will get.  Sometimes I scrabble to write this list and so I make the bar for my list pretty low; I have been known to write “it didn’t rain”. 

In the Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron talks about the importance of allowing yourself to experience small everyday pleasures.  This is not about designer handbags or fancy holidays, it’s about recognising what gives you pleasure, and giving yourself permission to experience this in everyday life.  Not putting things off for when the time is right.  For me, this means stopping to drink a coffee on the bench in my garden, putting on the diffuser in my office, taking 20 minutes to read a book, or getting onto my yoga mat.  What is it for you? 

So what? 

As you read this blog, ask yourself:

• Where is feeling ‘not enough’ blocking you?
• What practices should you include in your daily life to help you experiment with building your enoughness muscle?